Tools: AU Owners (for the use of)

[ronwest]

TOOLS NECESSARY FOR AU FALCON REPAIRS (Stolen from elsewhere)

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "****!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG IRON BARK 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Iron Bark.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

So there you have it: a complete description of the tools all AU owners need, and occasionally use correctly.

[Mechan1k]

I think i have most of these at home.

[Sledgehammer]

Ive still got some item to buy then.....LOL

[Robe]

Thanks Ron, I loved that. The other people at work are wondering why I laughing so much.

Now please explain which is the tool I need to start the chain reaction that will result in the skin being removed from my knuckles.

Getting out of the car port and into the garden I have a useful guage for reminding me what the set of my chain-saw teeth is - a scar on my index finger.

The god of DIY always demands a blood sacrifice.

[Fairlane]

Read this one before, but boy it make me laugh, all of them are rihgt on the money.

[GK]

Most entertaining!

Cheers Ron,

GK

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by ronwest

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

.

this nane is accurate when ever used they give you trouble or cause trouble by blowing at an inconvinient time

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by Robe

Now please explain which is the tool I need to start the chain reaction that will result in the skin being removed from my knuckles.

.

that one is easy it's called an oil filter wrench never found one that grips when knuckles are vulnerable

[congo3sr]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

that one is easy it's called an oil filter wrench never found one that grips when knuckles are vulnerable

: shifters??? the only thing they shift is your skin and blood.
I cringe when I have to put alot of pressure on.....and they never let me down :

[Bucknaked]

Ok, call me blonde, but I don't get any of it. Is it a joke? Which are the funny parts? How does it relate to an AU Falcon?

[TwistedEL]

I thought you were calling me a tool when I read the title.

Originally Posted by Bucknaked

Ok, call me blonde

You're blonde.

[Umineko]

Damn that brings back memories of when I had my own paint shop LOL

[Bucknaked]

Originally Posted by TwistedEL

You're blonde.

: